yes... it was all fun, but wat behind are all misery.

2 scenarios...


Heidi, i'm sorry. But right now, only the few of us know wat happened, including jor, seriously i believe in Jor, so it can be well kept with her, but if it went further, definitely is someone else said it, neither would it be you, nor me. so i wish to really trust the other 2. & my sincere apologies to you heidi. It's a kind of guilt that would nvr leave me for life, didn't expect things will turn out this way. I didn't have peace at work after that, first time, 1 whole pack of cigg, from totally is... to 1 a day(due to something else) till tdy, 1 whole pack just in the afternoon... i'm really out of my own control. i dunno whether is it worth. but well, i know one thing, and that's is not to have done wat's done. Perpectually no mood for anything happening around tdy, the face/smile was to be brought upon to my face. Sorry Heidi.


Ahma, i'm feeling even more guilty towards you, glad that you do not understand english, this i just a way that i'm venting my guilt towards you, although tmr i will be there to visit you, but upon hearing the news tdy from my parents, i felt worst, you're suffering badly in hospital, yet... here i am enjoying the fun i'm having outside, and even did things that i'm not supposed to. wtf?! wat a "good" grandson i'm hur? You've really taken good care of the whole big family for the past 50yrs. our lives are brought in by you, and now you're leaving us soon, how hurting it's going to be. i don't wan to know, i can't imagine, every year, without you around, something definitely seems missing. I dun wan to think... i'm a loser, totally a loser, not knowing wat's more impt. not knowing that someone is going to be gone from my life?.. wat a loser i'm... FUN?! wat's so fun!? PUI!. I'll really need you to be there. the shoulders that nvr left when we're left alone due to parents busy-ness.
IMY more than how i miss the girl...

I'm out. i've lost.
In the mind game,
talking abt relationship?! am i even fit to?!
when i'm almost going to lose someone that's closest to me once(jor)
& when i'm GOING to lose someone that have been always there for me(ahma).
i'm going to lose both of them, so wat if (she) forgives, i cant forgive myself.
so wat if i going to visit ahma tmr?! i've missed out 4 impt days of her life, that i can't simply return her?!
I'm a loser. seriously a loser and nth else.

So much of wrong things? and repeatedly i'm telling myself, i'll change...
i'll change...
i'll change...

yet!? **** it's still back to the starting point, i've totally no rights to tell ppl i want to change them, as i cant even handle my changes myself. i'm out. i'm not fit to be in the same terms and lines as others.
being praise as having good brains tdy?!
more of retard brain i have i think?!
so wat if one day i'm really going to earn bucks when no one that went through thick and thin with me will still be there for me?... i'm well a loser..


Jor,
that's something that i really shouldn't done, i've made you a difficult spot i know. I'm utterly sorry. and apologies doesn't make any effects. I knwo i can trust you in keeping that to yrself. But well if you don't it's aso not yr fault, it's really my wrong doings. I've lost the trust in you, i can feel it. totally lost. and you're much very disappointed when you've known abt that. your question for me was right? who am i really wanting. my answer was given to you too, but am i fit to even snatch for her? thanks for your encouragement all the while. But well this time i've lost it all out to my pride, to my dignity, to everything that got a link to the pump of my heart, cause it's a definite wrong to have done... I'm sorry to you & her. Thanks for being there. Can see your enthusium in wanting to meet up often, but this really brought everything down.


Zhiyin,
i've nvr gave you up as a fren as a "gina" but seriously, i'm not in the position to critize you either, as i'm no much better. Hope for your forgiveness, even xuan, the most thing was abt her, and she manage to let go?! wat's more abt me?! where do i even get the rights to even utter a word?! nonono. i'm so wrong. should be, do i even get to speak? i dun think i should till i get to know myself better.


Jason,
clarification, last night msg wasn't frm me, but well, was frm my phone, i gave the permission to use my phone for her to type and send you, still the responsiblity is mine. i'm not fit to comment you, you dun have to give in to me at all, cause at times you're right, and i'm being a loser to hide your rights and just trying to making yr wrongs obvious. I'm wrong. cause no one is perfect. your change is seen, but not mine, i dun think i'm fit to be even compared to you. give me a chance to understand myself better, and one day i believe i'll beable to shoot u with more confidence, but well, guess by than you're way ahead of me. Best of luck to you. thanks for the brotherhood.


Elly,
I've simply no rights to comment and say i wanna help you change either, as mentioned above. &more still you're young, things are to be experience by yrself to gain the knowledge. I wish you all the best too. Just one sentence that i really hope that you'll heed towards... Your parents really treats you very well. Appreciate them before you regrets.


Jingyi,
Hobbitmei, thanks for always being there, although not knowing the situation, but always trying to resolve the worst case.
You're too nice to me. I well don't deserve that from you. I'm sorry.
Thankyou, Hobbit meimei.


-Self reflection.
Sundial Dreams - Kevin Kern
(Repeating)
Ending time 12am
17th June 2008